Tonight, I decided to be very raw, honest and sincere about my emotions that I have been hiding, never talk about, ignore, and denied to the point it eats me, it weakens me and to the point I have to - have to write.
Because it demand to be felt. Because no one knows. And I keep it too long. Because I restraint myself to feel more. Because I couldn't tell exactly what I feel to just anyone. Because I'm always shy about my feelings. And tonight, I'm letting it go. Once, and for all.
It just happened. 4 years ago, and I thought I can already get over this such unclear feelings I have. I was young when I first saw him. No I didn't know what is love then and still couldn't figure out now. No I'm not saying that's love when I first saw him. I just have that strong feeling. The feeling of wanting to have a deeper conversation, to learn him and to know him inside out. To know his fears, his hopes.
I somehow did went out with him for several times but honestly I still feel there's barrier between us. Yes we hung out, we talk about movies and stuff but that's not what exactly I want. I am too shy to take it to another level in getting to know him, not wanting him to get the wrong idea that he might think I'm too desperate. Of course, I know he wouldn't think like that but I'm so paranoid that he might think that way so I act like a normal type of friend you know. I feel the barrier. Myself is dying to break the barrier and just to be raw with him but then again it's me who put up some walls. Because I don't know how and I have no idea at all how. Too stupid, too shy. Or was it because of my ego in letting my guard down for him? I don't know.
In time, we stop seeing eye to eye. I've always always wanted to ask him how he's doing but typical and cliche as it sound, I don't feel good enough for him. I am average jane but he is something else. He's a top notch. Kau faham tak perasaan yang macam tengok circle dia, hidup dia, i mean diri dia sendiri lepas tu macam no aku tak bagus untuk dia. Atau bila bertemu sering terlalu kaku. So, instead of showing I care, I just stalked his progress through social media and just by doing that I would feel very happy. And it was my ego as well that stopping me from showing care.
I deny my feelings. I convince myself that this too shall pass.
But -
I couldn't move on.
I feel wasted. Because of my stupidity, my ego, my shyness, and my lack of self confidence. And all the corrosive emotions of insecurity are biting away at my sensitive guts. Imagine if I can just speak to him within that 4 years time, I think we might be more comfortable to each other even just as a friend.
No, I didn't expect him to return the feelings. Life happens, you can't force feelings. I just wish that we could have known each other better and comfortably talk to each other whenever we meet.
I could go on writing about this. But I'm going to stop it here.
To you, no matter where life takes you, my only wish is that all the best thing will come to you and all the happiness you deserve.
No matter how hard I try, you're will always be there in the corner of my heart for keeps and i just can't get it off me. And for all the little times I get to spend with you, I thank God for that and I will always cherish that in my heart forever, they would just be there.
Or perhaps we'll meet each other when we're better for each other.
I really don't know.
