I'm in my bed and have this flashback of my life with every men I've met and of "whys". I'm almost 30 this year and boy I must say I have never had a real relationship with anyone. I'm not sure whether its a blessings or I am just a loser or just nobody wants me.
I met few guys that I liked throughout the years but it was all such a waste of time. A joke even.
When I was 16 (i think can't remember but somewhere around that age), I know a guy named Ikmal. He was the nicest and a very very good-looking guy or you could say a popular guy where every girl is dying to have him as a friend/boyfriend or whatever you call it. We became friends through the third person which is he has a cousin which happened to by my friend at school, and my sister was his teacher. So in a way, we became friends through friends. And the fact that he actually wanted to be my friends at that point of time, (considering how ugly i was), is something that an average girl's dream. Ala ibarat dia macam kau comot, pastu lelaki hot and popular like semua gadis kenal berkawan dengan kau. You know what i'm saying, it's like you're suddenly become the centre of attraction too. Ok with Ikmal, of course I have feelings but at that time I was confused as fuck cause obviously I thought we were just friends. He never told me he liked me plus i think he has too many crushes at that time and cam siapalah aku. OK, NOT THAT I AM SAD ABOUT IT BUT - we hungout a lot, balik tuition sama-sama, raya rumah dia sama-sama i still remember that time, jogging sama-sama, he was my first date to be honest pergi sunway pyramid k and we even held hands. You see i was so confused as fuck cause friends don't do that but I don't know why I never asked him of what are we. After SPM, we went separate ways and it just stopped. And now, well he's married with two kids. When i think back now, maybe masa dulu i should've said hey i like you, maybe we can happen but it didn't. And thought I'd end up with him, but he wasn't a match.
Next, is Harith. One word for him, buaya darat. After things went dull with Ikmal, this guy came and light up my life and I thought I found the one. (A fool, I know cause I always have this idea of getting into marriage young). He added me through myspace, he was so warm and charming and within few weeks he already calling me with sweet names. He called me pretty too. And honey, when you are 18, somebody tells you they love you, you gotta believe them. And you're 18 like there's nothing to figure out. I was naive. He was playful but a good thing about him is he knows how to make you feel comfortable and warm and safe. Fast forward, after a few months, i figured out he was having something with my close friends too. To make things even more funnier is that when I received a personal message from someone who is actually his girlfriend for 5 years. Yes, he cheated on his girlfriend and being manipulative. I don't know man why this happened to me. Like I would never do that if i am in a relationship but why man feels like they entitled to do that? Are you guys not scared of getting kantoi one day? Dunia ni kecik je bro. Sepandai-pandai tupai melompat, akhirnya jatuh ke tanah jugak. But later when I discover it was actually his personality. He just can't settle for one. He was trying his market. Pergi mampus lah dengan market. You were playing with people's heart for fuck sake. You think it's funny? I hope your daughter or sister wouldn't experience the same cause if they do, I promise you, you'll gonna sit and reflect on yourself bruh. But today, he's married and I don't know how many kids he have now. Maybe he changed, maybe not, who knows.
I had a little crush on someone during asasi days. But i forgot about him so yeah I'm gonna skip this part. What i remembered is, we didn't happen.
Next, degree life. Haziq. All I can say is i used to have a lot of feelings for him, but after 5 years, I get over him. He is a smart, gentleman, good looking, and a nice person. But it's just not there. But of course, I will always adore him and praying that he will be successful all the way.
Then- I started to use tinder. Ugh fuck this is the most embarrassing and stupidest part of my life. EVER. Here's why. I tell myself that I won't fall for these stupid boys and I am just using this platform to kill my loneliness and boredom. I thought I was cool until I matched with Ayie. He got that nice hair, mata redup and is very introvert kid, a shy one you could say. I've always love a shy guy cause I'm loud so differences attracts, I believe. I was instantly fell in love with him after a few months of talking but he's just a boy. I was so stupid that I made an effort to do all those things for him just to like me back. But it was meant for nothing. No we were not in a relationship but he was being flirty with me too sometimes and replied to every text messages (typical of a man), it was one sided and to tell you what I have done, let me just conclude by saying that I have lowered my standard for this guy, literally. But all I can say is, I'm glad I get over him now. I finally moved on and start realizing things and see how ordinary he was. It was my energy, and interest that makes him look like interesting or something.
But tinder was not all bad. I also met one nice guy and he is Azim. Azim is a genuinely good guy who would sweep you off your feet, the kind of guy who would ask for your parents permission before taking you out, be at your door and send you back safely, good hearted, respect you enough and who wouldn't take you for granted. Not to mention, he is kind of good looking guy. But as knowing him more deeper, being nice is his only date-worthy attribute. I don't picture myself with him as a partner. The chemistry, the excitement is just not there. I felt bored. He never failed to text me a good morning and good night text for a few months, yes without fail and he would ask the same question "dah makan?" etc you the usual. He doesn't make my heart bounce between exhilaration, trembling, nor a racing heart or accelerated breathing unlike the other guys have given me. He was just being nice. I don't know, maybe some would say I'm stupid for not perusing him but that's just what it is. But in all, I thank god I've known him even for a short period of time. Thank you Azim, for treating me right for once, in my life.
Next, is Irham. One guy who is very close to my heart. A very good looking guy too, with his abs (uhuk) and very athletic but he is just like a brother to me. Plus he is way way wayy too young. I love him but not emotionally, genuinely as a friend, as a person. I love the fact that he is he is soft spoken, calm, and i feel safe when I'm with him. Also, Irham is the first guy who fulfill my wishes iaitu going for akuarium date. :) I'm glad i can get to experience it with him. It was very very nice having him to teman me at that time. I tak akan lupa satu benda ni, ever. Masa dekat akuaria tu, there this one kid with his family nearby us, and masa tengah tengok-tengok ikan, he sort off went out from his radar a bit from his mother and he took my hand saying "mama, tengok ni fish" probably macam dia terleka and thinking I am his mom or something. And suddenly this kid's mother notice that and say "eh mama dekat sini la", while the kid was holding my hands, Irham said this that makes my heart go (awwwwww), "dik, ni bukan mama adik. mama adik (sana sambil pointing to the kid's mother), yang ni abang punya (and he tarik my hand)". Okay I tell you i felt butterflies in my stomach. And at that moment aku macam lets get married, shall we?. But yeah Irham and I we were just a good friends. If there is one song I could give to him is, Enchanted by Taylor Swift. I'll spend forever wondering if you knew. I was enchanted to meet you.
Last, but not the very least. Aliff. If I could write off about Aliff, it would be one page long but this is what Im thinking about him. At first, I swiped him right because I thought he has a nice shoes (in his dp) and I'm convince at that point of time, he will be just another "tinder" guy and that he was there for me to just talk with. True enough, I wasn't responding to his text messages on tinder earlier and that's because i'm not always on tinder. Until one day I asked him to add me on telegram. Then we talked for a bit. I admit, in the beginning i was just playing around. I was not getting serious and Aliff is a very fun, open, flirty guy and we flirted each other all the way. I called him sayang, bb and all without having feelings at all cause I know what he was up to. So why not plus I have nothing to lose. He was just there for fun, and I'm lonely and I could use his help. So we decided to meet each other and boy I was so amazed of how we both being so comfortable to each other and not being awkward at all when we first met. He was really fun, i like his laugh, he has funny stories, and it lead to a second meeting. And something did happened it shouldn't and along the way of knowing him, his family and the true character, I came to like him for HIM. He was not all bad and just "fun guy", he is actually really smart, cute, assertive, despite how naughty he can be and kasar but I just knew it deep inside, he is actually a very kind kid. But my feelings is not reciprocated. And I have to be okay with it cause I don't force people in every circumstances. I don't beg people as well. The feelings is just too strong and I would like to see how that goes, so I decided to be friends with him despite he rejected me just so I won't lose him even as a friends. But after some time, I realize it is just fucking hard. When you liked someone of course, you have expectations even the tiniest bit of maybe he would come to like you too and he would response the way that you want. Guess what, he didn't. He would just straight tell me no means no and yes means yes. And it kills me to just be friends and at the same time knowing that I can't ask for more. But I won't blame him too cause feelings is just something you can't fake it. Right? So, I accept that. It just that I wish he could have been more nicer and thoughtful of me but yeah it's okay. What I really appreciate is, this guy has made me laugh more than the other guy did, but also have given me a real heartbreak. I always looking forward to meet him but I know I should stop now. Because that's the right thing to do. Lastly, the thing I hate and love the most is he made me love him.
Honestly, as much as I wish I have never met all these guy, but, I still gotta thank God because one taught me love, one taught me patience, one taught me pain, and now not saying I'm amazing but I gotta see my real worth. I learn that I gotta value myself first. It's me, after all. I am important.
And I pray hard to God to give me the right one. My own person. That's all I wish.
I'm done writing, let it all off here. May I move on to a better life.
P/S : tapi cam rasa benggang lah jugak sebab yang mana aku beria tu last-last dorg tak heran pun and happy dengan diri dorg. Ada yang jerk pun dah kawen ada anak bagai, while me still searching for the one. Harap dorang dapat juga rasa heartbreak cmne aku rasa. hahaha k k tak, kidding je.
